Christmas Tidings (Or perhaps not so much)

If anyone is actually reading this, and you are excited about Christmastime, I would discourage you from reading the following entry, as it is not in the Christmas spirit.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Once again, we find ourselves on the verge of the celebration of our Savior's birth, and yet I feel no joy, no excitement. I hold no anticipation for tomorrow, or the day after that. I sometimes wonder if this means there is something wrong with me. I have nothing to strive for. I have things I enjoy doing but I have nothing that I feel will be rewarding once I reach the goal. I have no goal. I feel like a statue that is slowly being overgrown and is crumbling to dust before I can do what I dream of. I need to get away. I need to change. I need something to happen. Anything.

I feel like every day is the same and there is no difference. I feel like a child who is adult in name only. I feel like everything I touch stagnates and shudders to a halt. Where there was once passion in my life there is only listlessness and no interest in anything. Where are the things I used to love? Why can't I remember what it is that I love about the things I love? Why can't I find the fire that used to burn in me for telling stories, for turning canvas into paintings, for making music, for living? Why do lies fall from my lips without a thought? Why do I doubt God cares? I fear speaking of this last one with anyone. How could I speak of it without being judged, without being told the same thing I have heard again and again and again. I hear that he loves me, that he hears me, and yet I don't see it. I feel alone and unloved and sad and fucked up. I feel tired. It's not just physical, I feel an aching tiredness that goes down to my core. It chills me. I hate the cold. I feel frustrated with my life.

I need something. Something needs to change. I would ask God to help me but I don't think he listens to me. After all, he doesn't listen if you aren't doing everything right, right? He ignores the prayers of the wicked, right? What am I. Who am I. What's the point. What do you do when you aren't sure if God exists? I'm so afraid that I'm wrong, that all of this is wrong, and that when I die there will be nothing, and then I'm afraid that because I think these things, that means that I'm going to Hell if it's right because I'm doubting all of this. I'm just so tired. I need to get away. I need to leave, I need to be on my own away from my family. I don't know how much longer I can live like this. I don't know how much more of this crummy little tiny town I can take. I feel suffocated here. I'm drowning in a motionless life.

malice (a sestina)

malice

Malice hiding behind a broken heart;

It makes one wonder: is this cruelty justified?

Even if this frozen void of winter gray

Where you sit petrified in stony silence

Is the creation of the one who punched a hole

Through your fragile, thin, white paper life

Does that mean he should rule your life?

He has no dominion here, over your heart.

Why live in this frozen, rotten, aching hole?

Is this the only place that you feel justified

In the place of irreproachable silence;

Where no voice can pierce the foggy gray

Mist that covers your ears and dyes you gray

Like the eyes that gaze out onto your life,

And survey all of it with unfathomable silence,

Which screams for someone to heal your heart;

For someone to say your pain is justified

As you hide yourself in this pitch black hole.

Here, a place you have dug for yourself, this hole,

Where the snow and wind blow soft and gray,

Drifting over you and your wish to be justified

In your hatred that is consuming your life

And driving a shard of icy pain into your heart;

Making it impossible to break the frozen silence

And you have built this fortress-like barrier of silence

With walls so thick that it could never have a hole

Unlike the ashen ground where you sit; broken heart

Beating feebly as the cold wind blows the gray

Snow and dust against the wall protecting you from life.

But in your frozen agony you wish to be justified.

And so to satisfy your thirst to be justified

You will break this oppressive and forced silence

And bring the foundation of his damnable life

Crumbling and crashing into this rotten hole

To freeze and scream in the eternal gray

And you will watch as it breaks his heart

In the same way he destroyed your justified heart

And left you in this chilled landscape of grey silence

Where, to save your life, you cried yourself a hole.

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A sestina is a poem of six stanzas of six lines, where the last word of each of the six lines is repeated, but the order is mixed up. There is also a three line stanza at the end which uses the six words in the three lines. Hope you enjoy.

Writing Advice: Character Building

One of the mistakes new writers make, and indeed a mistake I made (and make still) is to rush into a story without fully understanding one of the most important parts: the characters. The characters drive the story, their actions are what defines the action of the book, their conflict is reflected in the overarching story, and yet writers often make the mistake of trying to record their characters before taking the time to get to know them.

By creating a character, you are creating a person, a person with thoughts, hopes, dreams, fears, hates, loves, and an entire world inside them. Before you send them off on their adventure, be it an epic quest to slay the dragon or a slightly less magical but equally epic quest to survive high school, knowing who your character is is essential. Is he (or she) brave or timid? Kind or cruel? Generous or selfish? I know that sometimes traits aren't always that black and white, but finding the cardinal traits, the things that really drive your character, can help you in their development.

One thing that I find is helpful to me is to create a character sheet, with your character's name, age, their status in the story (hero, villain, sidekick, etc.) and a brief history of their life, which includes the things that you will not reveal about the character until later in the story. I personally usually include a detailed physical description, including things that I might not actually describe about the character, such as if they have a chip in their tooth. I also write a personality analysis of the character, telling about their unique quirks and what makes them angry, scared or maybe even what would make them want to kill someone. If I'm writing a fantasy story, I will also add a section that details the character's special abilities, if indeed they have any.

While this works for me, what could also work is writing a series of short "sketches" that have your characters interacting in an everyday situation. I would recommend writing these in first person point of view, if only because first person offers an intimate glimpse into the mind of the character. By doing this, you can pin down how your character's mind works.

I hope that these tips have been helpful and I wish you luck in your writing.

-C. J. Powers

The Fallen King (A Sonnet)

The Fallen King

Your world is at an end; at last, it’s done

My king; you’re dead, but Ha! I am now free

Your tyrant’s grip, stretch’d far across the sea,

Is broken, and you’ve lost but I have won.

Your pride, which challenged the bright sov’reign sun,

Has been your ruin, and now you must see

I am not, will not (I would die than be)

A pawn or dog who’s forbidden to run.

So lo, I crept in wrath and spite to you,

Your face creased deep with the fine lines of age

And with these hands I plunged the blade right through.

Did you suspect my life was just a stage?

And from this act that I cannot undo,

My hands are stained forever with my rage.

I'm really terrible with scheduling and whatnot

One of the things that frustrates me continually is my inability to keep to a schedule. I'm going to try harder.

Thoughts

One of the things I find infinitely fascinating as well as infinitely frustrating is how the story likes to create itself. I may have a vision in mind but suddenly something I write will form into a new character, a new idea, a new law of the world. An excellent example of this anomaly would be the creation of Samhain, one of the main villains in Eltia. In fact, Samhain did not exist until the middle of book, when she decided to make an appearance. And from a single sentence, she was born and wove her way through the entirety of the book, adding new meaning to the story.

Eltia: Return of the Warrior

Eltia: Return of the Warrior is the first of a fantasy-adventure novel series following the story of Anna Johnn, a girl living in what she assumes to be a normal life in her homeland of Ygen. However, when she discovers a gateway into another world called Eltia, her reality is shattered as she discovers an ancient prophecy regarding her role in this new world. She is the descendant of one of the original Destined, the guardians of Eltia, and she is now expected to take up her ancestor's sword and fight as the new Warrior of Fire. While Anna desperately tries to deny her fate, despite being chosen by the dragon Zeira, the other Destined are beginning to rise, and an ancient evil is stirred by the presence of its foe. Despite the terrifying magic stirring within her, Anna must make a choice: Will she go back to the life she knew? Or will she take up the mantle of her forefather and become the savior of Eltia?

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I began writing the first version of Eltia when I was in sixth grade. I had just finished reading Eragon and I had been inspired by the fact that the author, Christopher Paolini, had written the book at fifteen years of age. So I started writing, despite having no idea what my overarching storyline was going to be and despite the fact that all of my characters were basically the same person but with different names. The man character's name was Anira Powell, and was quite shamefully based on me. Every other character was named after my friends. The story was quite honestly, terrible. It read like a manga, with a lot of transformation sequences and complicated magic. Three years later, I completely gutted the story and developed the characters into actual people. Anira Powell became Anna St. Johnn, and eventually changed to Anna Johnn. I'd be lying if I said Anna is completely different from me, but she only shares some basic similarities. Anyway, I changed many of the characters' names, their appearances, and their backgrounds, and I even came up with a halfway decent plot. By my sixteenth birthday, I'd finished the rough draft of Eltia. I promptly put it away and left it to sit for nearly six months. For the past year and a half, I've been working on revisions, trying to clarify the plot and cut away the unnecessary bits, and I really think I'm near to finishing it. I hope and pray that once I am done, I will be able to publish it, and that at least one person who doesn't know me personally will read it and someday tell me they liked it.

John 1:5
~Christine